she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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