new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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