That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
