Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
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From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
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By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?