Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.