And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah