she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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