I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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