I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
