if i can run in heels then i can drive
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
