went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
