I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
