I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
