he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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