have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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