your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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