I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
