I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
