sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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