I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I am available for nakedness
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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