I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
