You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
