You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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