On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
