He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
