I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
