i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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