i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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