ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
