so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
