so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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