its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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