do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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