Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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