I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
