the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
