i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
