Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
