Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
