Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
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I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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