I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
