Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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