To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
In America we eat man semen.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
