I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Randomize