I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
