if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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