i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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