he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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