he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
