Im at strip club and am horny
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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