I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Less talking, more tequila
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
