I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
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I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
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I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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