In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She's the barista slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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