Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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