do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
