lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
