Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
