God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
