Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
