the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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