I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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