For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
