i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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