What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
