my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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