You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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